I’m not sure how to even ask this. What I mean is that if you’re a guy who’s only attracted to other guys, then it’s obvious those are the people you’re going to be dating as well. But how could I, as a bisexual man who’s only dated women in the past, know whether my interest in men is only sexual or if it could be romantic too?
The reason I’m asking is that since I’m now single again, I’m wondering if I should try dating men just to see what that’s like and maybe learn something about myself. I feel like the two most plausible outcomes are either that I discover my romantic attraction is limited to women, or it opens my eyes to why some things have been such a struggle in my past relationships - and maybe I should’ve been dating men all along.
The thing is, I’ve never had a crush on a guy before or noticed any other signs that a relationship with one could actually work. I’ve had occasional dreams of that sort, but usually there’s been something sexual about them. I can only think of one time I felt mild butterflies around a guy I found really attractive.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried that if I give it a shot, I might not feel anything more than what I feel toward my male friends. In the worst case, they might develop feelings for me, and then I’d have to break their heart - and I hate the thought of that.
Honestly, if you have even considered dating men as a potential option, you’re probably attracted to men enough for it to be viable. Straight men don’t have these thoughts, not even in passing (unless we’re talking about attraction towards an extremely feminine man or passing transgender woman, I guess).
That’s a fair point
I hate to state the obvious but if you haven’t developed romantic feelings for guys then you probably won’t. It would’ve happened already. That’s just how you’re wired.
That said there’s no harm in trying it out.
Disclaimer - I am not a man just a mom to some queer kids.
From your responses below, I get the feeling your idea of romantic attraction may have been formed by the relentless hetero-romantic focus of media, and don’t know what romantic love toward a man might feel like?
First, do you need it? If you had a brotherly fun friendship and hot sex with a guy but didn’t feel cuddly or whatever you associate with ‘romance’ would you find it a satisfying relationship?
I mostly wanted to say I think it would be fine to share some of your thoughts with your dates. Let them know where you are at, mentally.
Be friends first. Those are the best relationships anyway.
Speaking as someone who dated a guy, the only way to find out if you are able to develop feelings for a man is to develop feelings for a man.
Maybe you’re just picky about guys. It happens. If you do find a guy you really like, then you should go for it
How did you know you can have romantic feelings for a woman before you had romantic feelings for one (if you’ve had such feelings)?
I guess I’m just worried that if I give it a shot, I might not feel anything more than what I feel toward my male friends. In the worst case, they might develop feelings for me, and then I’d have to break their heart - and I hate the thought of that.
You are definitely over-thinking this bit.
“I can’t try having a relationship because it might not work out and then we’d be unhappier.”
No. Unthink this. You can’t insist that your very first romantic relationship with a man must last for life. That’s too high a bar.
As someone who has experienced feelings for both genders, it has been my experience that feelings can develop without trying to start a relationship. That said there are people out there who are demisexual, but I doubt that would be limited to one gender for you.
At least when it comes to women I don’t really have desire to have sex with someone I’m not in a romantic relationship with. I’ve turned down sexual advances from women in the past because they’ve been ones I’ve only just met. With guys it’s pretty much the opposite - I have some “cruising” experiences where I’ve played with guys I don’t even know.
I don’t think I fall in love with women that easily either. It takes time. The few crushes I’ve had have all been women I’ve simply found really attractive. I wouldn’t call that love.
Sexuality and romantic attraction are two separate spectrums. It is perfectly possible that that you can be sexually attracted to both sexes, but only romantically attracted to one.
The other posters are right for the most part- try things out, make good friendships, see if you feel the pull. Life is for experimentation.
Become friends with some gay dudes. Just saying…
Romantic feelings can develop without knowing a person. They can develop without the target even being real. People often have experience with romantic feelings toward a fantasy or fictional character long before they are old enough for a relationship.
Have you never identified with the romantic feelings toward a character in fiction (novel, movie, etc)? Have those experiences not been particular toward a gender?
I think people imagine this stuff is more conscious and rational than it is. It just happens and it doesn’t necessarily make sense.
